Useful Advice For Those in a Horrific                              Situaiton


1) When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it'sreally dead.
2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once achurch used forblack masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide ordied insome horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices,move awayimmediately.
3) Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4) Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.
5) If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which theydo not know, orif they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. Itwill save you a lotof grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so beprepared.
6) When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.
7) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandonedmansion, don't tagalong. Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, exceptyou're the oddguy/gal out. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write upyour last will andtestament while you're driving with them to the place.
8) As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
9) Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb,crypt,mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.
10) If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out thatit's just thecat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
11) If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
12) Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.
13) Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you knowwhat youare doing.
14) If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at leasttwice, more ifyou are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster ismerelyshambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
15) If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviorsuch as hissing,fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, getaway from them asfast as possible.
16) Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listedhere:Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognizethis one), theBermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts.
17) If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearbydeserted-looking house tophone for help.
18) Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedgetrimmers,electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, solderingirons, band saws,weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions.
19) Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience,since they areusually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
20) Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because"there's somuch we can learn from them".
21) Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
22) If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason.
Take the hint and stay away.
23) If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town.
24) When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try tostart your car,no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank theengine over manytimes before it will fire up.
25) If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help orshelter, and younotice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go backoutside as quietlyas possible.
26) When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make itthrough the filmalive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart thisworld in thefirst five minutes.
27) Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps.
28) Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.
29) People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, sodon't rely onthem as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised anddelayed byencountering their flayed corpse at some point.
30) On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.
31) If you realize that the people in your town/county are having theirminds taken over bysome strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they areA) eitheralready taken over themselves and will turn you in or B) will not believeyou and laugh atyou. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.
32) If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults thatare around them,be cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and displaynothing buthostility towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town atonce. If you wish tostay, be as kind to the children as possible, but expect to die anywaysbecause you areinferior to them.
33) If you assist the villian of the film, do not expect gratitude inexchange for yourservices. In fact, do not expect anything other then death, which will comein the finalminutes of the film and usually over the girl you have become attracted to,but the villianwants as their own.
34) If any animals, such as Birds, Pirahna, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibitbehavior thatseems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call inthe authorities,get out of that town, and do not try to talk to any scientist whospecializes in that animal(ornithologists and the like) for they will not believe you.
35) Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, oranythingcuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for so much as asecond.
36) When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look likeeggs, leavethem alone.
37) When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached tohis body (as aresult of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. Theguy's dogmeatanyway.
38) When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeyingthe previous tworules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.
39) Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn,basement, dark alley,dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake)
40) If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (likeDON'T fallasleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for thehomicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath byyourself) by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break anotherof theguidelines.
41) If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair.
Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws,harpoons, etc.
42) If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a goodidea to quickly finda new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll runout justbefore you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'llnever have toreload)
43) If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, aboandon all hope, becausesooner orlater, no matter how many anti-biotics you take, yer gonna become one of'em.
44) If you're the the last main character left, and a bunch of people arehunting themonster/monsters DON'T stand out in the open, because you will immediatelybe mistakenfor a/the monster.
50) Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavybreathing, or anyother strange noises from the other side.
51) DO NOT go into the dark room.
52) If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only one whoever survives isa female.
53) While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.
54) In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster,never rely onany tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicablyrun out ofpower, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury riggedelectrical grid. Justwhen you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariablyjam.
55) If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable.
56) Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.
57) Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.
58) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, whenyou're supposed tobe alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is. LEAVEIMMEDIATELY.Unless you want to die!!
59) Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone willbe dead and thenext thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.
60)If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, ifit pans away forno apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.
61) If the Master does not approve, neither do you.
62) Never handle the rat-monkey cage.
63) Your dog can take care of itself...
64) So can your spouse...
65) And your kids.
66) Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually dieanyway.
67) Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way.
Be a believer.
68) If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out.
69) Your plan takes into account all possible situations...except for theone that actuallyoccurs.
70) Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed.
71) When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with yourgun,immediately empty all your shots in the mosnters' head.
72) Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after asuccessfuldemon/devil/monster summoning.
73) People driven by veangance always die.
74) Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any lovedones will get youkilled.
75) Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.
76) Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.
77) Feel no guilt.
78) If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls andventriloquist's dummiesin particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move toanother countryIMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go toleave.
79) If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car themonster will be in it.Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy anyplane/boat you tryto take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on asubway.
80) If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly hornyteenagers. Childrencan NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!
81) If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people willignorethis bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, alwayshave morekids, and always get a new spouse/S.O.
82) If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you,chances are it willappear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right afteryou trip and fall, andthen stand up and look behind you).
83) If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he mustbe dead, takethe opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.
84) If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends andthey ask"what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as yougo by. Ifthey're really your friend they'll follow. If not - that's their tough luck.
85) If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream fromor there is nosign of life when there should be, do not be surprised to find that allmeans of escape (i.e.doors, windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster tocome within agnat's hair to you.
86) If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous rulethat is madeof glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be abetter courseof action. (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.)
87) If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogswill only die ifthey stand up to the monster in defense of their master.
Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!
88) If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the movie's end.
Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whomyou feelstrangely compelled to avoid.
89) If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won'teat you, theCatholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or the hornyteen-age guysdon't throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.
90) If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and rule allin theend (or you might at least escape your $%^& cage!).
91) If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY!
Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weakfaith," and saymean things about your deity.
92) Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun,can opener,etc.) TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster will, and sooner or later theweapon WILL BEUSED! Better you use it then the monster.
93) If you find a lot of dead people running around making zombies out ofthe living, killyourself IMMEDIATELY! There is no happiness to be found when you're beingeatenalive.
94) A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can never bedriven toextinction. Therefore, try to get one kind to go after the other.
95) When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid wheneverpossible. Prefferablyuse all of the above. And an atom bomb.
96) ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous.
As do all chemical and germ weapons.
97) ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or nothuman/primateDNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hide impervious tobullets. NEVERplay god and try your hand at gene-splicing!
98) Always make eye shots whenever possible as all monsters ignorechest/limb attacks. Ifyou hit the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe ... and ifyou're reaaallllucky... and if the creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place).