If I ever get real rich, I hoe I'm not real mean to poor people, like I amnow.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in theroom, talking toyou, which is why I don't like to read good books.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children'schildren, becauseI don't think children should be having sex.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in mybrain, becauselater you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forwardinto thefuture, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kickher in thebutt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle allday long.Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almostas good as thefirst one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint,because he hadwhittled off the paint.
You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck inquicksand,then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How dothey do that?!
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, andif he leans toofar, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him itwas a luckyguess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody:First, take outthe garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people mighthave, like acrumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want tomeet the busygarbage guy.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It hasmorefeathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing eachyear, but I toldthat story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equatorwas a realline that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh.Laugh and laugh.Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forgetwhat heasked me.
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he hadaccomplished was abrilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, thenhe punched meagain.
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar boxand rubberbands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Makehim practice onit, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type ofparasite, becausethis is the part where I take it EASY!
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is theydon't wantanybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebodycomes up actlike they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even ifyou don'tknow what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, onthe way out,slam the door.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck,and theguy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS thatthing?!
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because thatreally annoysme.
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet itwould really makeyou mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certainlightheartedness tothe subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun withthis thing.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you'rein there someguys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it toanother city, boy,I don't know what to tell you.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save asolid-gold baby?Maybe we'll never know.
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes backinside the hat is atleast a decade away.
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch yourlips, because youdon't know where that glove has been.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me alot of money.''
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likesenchiladas, becausethat's what He's getting!
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it'sokay to feed somebits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks.But ONLY ifyou're serious about adopting the vulture.
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,because youmight think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we aretrying to conveywith our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps frombrowsing, or testingthe trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out ofcontrol.
If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together askull from a bunchof ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but justan old dried-outpotato.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wonderedwhere this started,and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killedmy dad.
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plusif you walkaround shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars,too!
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allowme to go runningthrough their yards, yelling and spinning around.
Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to myimaginary spot,where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather isperfect. The onlybad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, thenI spin aroundand pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. Butsome days,when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window andthink, ``Boy, I'mglad I'm not out in THAT.''
Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would knowsensuality if it bither on the ass.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And Ican picture usattacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet itmakes beershoot out your nose.
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. Andsince he's so busy,you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS?It probablylasts longer, plus it moves around.
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie thatspins or changescolors.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up andlit the evilpuppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that toillustrate one of thehuman emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as whensomeone killssomeone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, aswhen youpay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young andeager, like abeaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybechew downsome trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then ``skinned.'' I'mnot sure what thefourth stage is.
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. Andusually thebest way to do that was to turn on the TV.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add aslice of lemon toeach jar, for freshness.
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both DraculaAND Supermanaway.
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all theconfusion andproblems they've caused?
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That wasfun," I said."You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think weshould beheading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nicksaid we did.We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finallydecided to head back.I didn't say it was an interesting story.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can biteand bite, but itwon't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But someother stuff couldhappen and it could be like ambition.
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visitmy skeleton atleast once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?"
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.Probably, theygathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said,"Hey, good job."
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It'sjust like regularbowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why weshould do this, butmy God, we've got to try something!
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirtand beg for it.
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices andjust laugh atpeople.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guessthat's what I likeabout it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wantingthat money.
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fishout of a lake, andthen maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a wormout of theground. Now that's a documentary!
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time tohang up thecue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," hesaid with asmile.
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun.That way, whensomebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And they'd say,"Yeah."And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-uprogue-time guy.
I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know whatthe questionsare. Hey, where am I?
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peacetreaty, just as I wassigning I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait aminute! Ithought WE won!"
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,flying across in frontof a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, andalso he's carryinga very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself.Forinstance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally, youwould thinkthat "Fly Head" would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features,as if flyingthough the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like afly"? I'm afraidsome people might actually think that.
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should beconsidered an enemyplanet.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell youthis, but that'sanother weakness.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybeyou'll look like adummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you everneededsomething, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointedpsychiatrist is our"friend."
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, helearns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national forests.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends areall watchingyou fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, likeapes, until finallythey got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hitby cars.
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. Hesort of smiledand said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out tothe horsepasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were myparents havingsex.
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, justfollow these simplerules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine allmy shoes.There, isn't that better?
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makespeoplehappy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is whyseveral of us diedof tuberculosis.
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of thesound of urinesplashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talkingto the president,because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit thetoothpick out and ithits him in the face or something.
Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probablybePROUD to be sprayed by one.
The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about thatcity slicker whocame through, trying to peddle "hair restorer." He took everyone's money ina pokergame, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer, nobody had anymoney left tobuy it!
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to aflea? Gettingcaught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knockedthe nextpitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, Isaid, "I likemayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then sheleft. I guess shewent to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground.You pull it up andpull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field,until you come to abunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go,"Hey, haveyou seen Fred?" And they'll say, "Fred who?" And you say, "Fred of snakes?"Thencover your ears, because big laughs are coming.
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you wouldconstantly findyourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all thejewelry and soforth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Comeon, we're notgoing to hurt it.
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, andthe othereats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about"to protect mynest of chocolate eggs.
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's agood saying to help:"Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella."
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is"God is crying." Andif he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probablybecause ofsomething you did."
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that'sall I have tosay.
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarilymeans you're ahard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about properhammermaintenance.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,is the story ofPopeye.
If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I thinkI'd just have tolook him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's`fashionable'." But hewon't. And you know why? Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable inasmart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, "By the way,what'sfashionable?"
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you com out you'reall coveredwith leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leecheskind oflook like big raisins.)
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at thesame time, unreal.Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can'tremember, all rolledinto one big "thing." This is truth, to me.
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when theybreak intoyour castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's themonster, soundasleep.
Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we noticeit's not themoon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this every night.
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clearover the ground andthen let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comesflying out.
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate withme. I wouldsee him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial.My phone wouldring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping."What?! What?!" Iwould yell back, but he never did speak English.
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every weekyoucould have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then hewould, and Idon't think I'd ever get tired of that.
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,looking through yourstuff.
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, Idon't think it's agood idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that andthey think,"Forgive me, but that's just too much."
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles.It would be cutebecause the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though,to keep the moviefrom getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happyparrot flyingalong, acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack,but it's hisparents. Then, some more pornography.
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of ourhouse. And Ithought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a"shell" if youwill. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine ismade out of tinfoiland paper bags.
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one "swollen" shoe, for whenyou get bitby a rattlesnake.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp.That way, youcould ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How aboutit, science?
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our headsthat gave usa shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow Iget myselfelected president.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my firstinstinct is to laugh. Butthen I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn'tseem quite so funny.
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in theworld. He'dget right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the rightanswers, mister,you'd be peeling potatoes or chainging the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't inthe army. Thenwho WAS that guy?!
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, butLISTEN TOYOURSELF!
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big ratcomes out andhe's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell thepeople he's your petand that's a trick you taught him.
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about howmany loaves ofbread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwiseloaves. Otherwise,it makes no sense.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was goingto be an eclipseand tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun beblotted out from thesky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill youor something,but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, andeveryone would get agood laugh.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he madea woman outof dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later,at the funeral,when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboyshot them.At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you inheaven---with a gun."
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would reallystart to annoyyou after a while how they really sort of stretch the definition of "bag."
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankindshould bethinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumbwith a hammer.
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, whatelse is moredeserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can killyou if you disobeyit.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keepthe students fromjust trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calmmyself down. I'll goover to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes tothe door, I'mgone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with aknife in the side ofits head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lotbetter, and no harmdone.
Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so thathis arms and legsform "spokes." Happiness is when he stops.
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, Idon't think it'sgoing to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm tryingto make: Cornon the cob is good, isn't it.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. Iremember we'dall pile into the car---I forget what kind it was---and drive and drive. I'mnot sure wherewe'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something wasstrong in theair as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy wecalled"Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guesssome thingsnever leave you.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailinga fresh load oftadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like awheel of fortune,and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is awinner!" We allthought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination shouldautomatically disqualifyyou.
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're inmidair, you still hit thosebrakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone getsmad at you. Ifound this out the hard way.
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in thesummertime, to keepmosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in theground, and if itopens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're goingto fall in.
To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying deadon a gravelroad, and maybe there's a globe lying next to him.
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they everpress charges.
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of"accidentally"brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting offstress.
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, butwith a smallerhead. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat somuch.
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in myholster, I'd carrya soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like,"Hey look.He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody elsestarted laughing,I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering ironof justice." Theneverybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of thesoldering ironof justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not thatdifferent from a tall,leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you thinkliked dolphinsthe most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of thefort, it was morethan that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up andused for shoe-shinerags, so the men would look nice for the surrender.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot ofpeople do. Instead,try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you'renot an`afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn't evenknow the rightword.
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said,"Congratulations, it'sa girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl!? Youmust have memixed up with THAT dork!" and point to another father.
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questionsabout yourlife and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it isjust to say, "Nospeaka English."
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how thegladiator fights wereorganized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would bethousands ofother people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and digtunnels downinto the ground and live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because wehate that.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching himis probably ajoke that gets old real fast.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what herdinner tastedlike.
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Goahead and dowhatever you want, it's okay by me."
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something assimple as wild dogs.
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens mylid, a boxingglove on a spring shoots out.
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it,because do you hidefrom it or not?
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that saysguilty or not guiltyfor you, as a sort of courtesy.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit offreedom. I could walkabout freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads.It was onlylater that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clotheshampers.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. Butthe stupidman will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completelydraped in it.Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land onsomeone's lip.Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip!
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think youcould cover fuses injust one class. It's just too rich a subject.
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The firstis, we both like tospread our "stink" around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. Thethird is stripes.
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look likea nice crackerthat someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells anotherscientist, "Youknow what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand." And theother scientistlooks, and in his hand are peanuts. Then when he looks up, the firstscientist is being takenaway to the insane asylum.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." Marta said itshould read"Watch For PRETTY Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion tothe highwaydepartment, but she started saying it was a joke---just to get out ofwriting a simple letter!And I thought I was lazy!
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself.Mankind.Basically, it's made up of two separate words---"mank" and "ind". What dothese wordsmean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grabthem by thecollar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!" Then I drive them outinto the desert towhere the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think Icould cure it.First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that,I'm not sure, butmaybe you could throw some water in his face or something.
If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would reallymake youmad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carryit?!
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech infavor offast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage.They're just notready.
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two livesconnected by a thinstrand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort ofstriking surfaceattached to the end of a long stick.
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume thatthe drinksare free. Ask, and ask often.
As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, Ithought back to thesalmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named himFlint.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and thewind rustlingthrough the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're realdrunk, maybego down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, andthen liedown and go to sleep.
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the mostbeautiful things in theworld. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blondhair.
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's roundmetal hat.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
As the light changed from red to greeen to yellow and back to red again, Isat therethinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking andyelling? Sometimes itseemed that way.
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death byabout tenthousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," onebee.)
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tellabout it. So,he decided to get back in his car and keep driving.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadorescame up to youand asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say,"I swallowed it.So sue me."
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But theyforget the negativeside, which is the preening.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets,because I'd liketo have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'djust quit my joband become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing thatanyway.
How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don't also shootsome fireworksout the window? It would make the whole takeoff look more impressive.
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It wouldtake about abillion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know whatI'm doing whilethey're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and thensuddenly run up and kickthe gun out of their hands.
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake iswrapping ittoo tight. You have to allow the head to breathe.
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying,and how much of itis just sort of coasting from the previous flap?
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about ahundreddrumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken tothe dolphins.They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wiseup.
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of workingtogether on somesort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes?
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take mylittle nephew toDisneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh,no," I said,"Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, hethought itwas a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, butit was gettingpretty late.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's acommon mistake. Youhave to let nudity "happen."
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill somone with the lemons (maybe byshoving themdown his throat)?
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cutit open, andthere inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in himis a little babyshark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be toosmall. Butthere's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toyguy---something like that.
If doctors ever tell you that you've "flipped out," don't believe them, andjust keep ondoing what you were doing, because something tells me "the Man" is behindthis.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,and the dancershit each other.
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, thefirst thing we do is seeif they have some kind of pornography booth?
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not puttingon yourarmor because you were "just going down to the corner."
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then,when they cameto get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said `inspection'." They'dprobably feel realbad, and maybe I could get out of it.
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life,because we'renot ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was verypleasurable---untilI realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's reallyembarrassing ifsomeone tries to kill you.
A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by apoisonous snake, tell himyou're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by asnake. Thenstart an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will startcrying. That's whyit makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd.ToddBlankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship.
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when youget your firstanvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith.
I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscopeis wearing out issomething I call "image fuzz-out." But I've never even seen a radarscope, soI wouldn'ttotally go by what I've just said here.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? Wemight, if theyscreamed all the time, for no good reason.
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When Imet the family fromJapan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I justkept going andflipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I thnk it'sokay to laugh, andto let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call thepolice. But then I gotcurious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was,and why he haddeer horns.
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people,because I bet alot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot.
Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!,I'd have all mymoney back.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pieheaven, choosepie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy.
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of thewatering hole andstarted to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and boneseverywhere."Uh-oh," he though. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then getsright back on you, Ithink you should buck him off right away.
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how muchglow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay itin their yard. Thentell them their ants ate your baby.
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking fora whale. Theylook and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why theynever findhim? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide.Then, at the veryend, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion ortiger or even theelephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, justtrampling andeating everything they see.
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was themeanest manin town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn't know how toshow it. Themeanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big whitehouse."THAT'S MISTER SWENSON," they said. Oh, my mistake.
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stopand startthinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probablythe first signof jungle madness.
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake.That's calledHoudini. Love is liking someone a lot.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But wewouldn't be laughingthat evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how aboutindividual push buttonson each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push thebutton and itlights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class.Then all theprofessor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet ofnames andnumbers to see who is assking the question.
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's theleast effective onme is a kind of clicking noise.
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laughat a man justwalking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of theose plasticdry-cleaner bags?
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal,trying to swim toshore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money forabout twentyyears so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and startdigging for gold.When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold,ya durnfool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold." And I'd say, "well, that was easy."Good joke, huh?
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at thempersonally, totheir faces, and this is what annoys me.
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? MaybeBob could.He was suddenly on top of the meteor---through some kind of space warp orsomething."Go, Bob, go!" yelled one of the generals. "Give me that!" said the big-guygeneral as hetook the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've got to steer thatmeteor awayfrom Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next tohim therewas a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'mtelling you, Iwill bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.
I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stickpotatoes on theends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings and ladyVikings.
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when Ithought,"What am I doing?!"
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. Howcould anyone beafraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try togive it an honestanswer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyonelisteningto me?!
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called himUncle Cave Manbecause he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Lateron we foundout he was a bear.
Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the nextminute you're justdriving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're anastronaut on themoon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The nexttime he goesout for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blastoff. He mightcall you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Thinkagain, bat man."
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, buton both sides.
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would beif you weresacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get itunhooked,and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybeit was likean angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from thefirst fight.
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heartsink is when youlook in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with hisSuperman cape on."Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move!" screamed Grandma. But Grandpawouldn'tlisten. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like hewas ogoing to fly. Iforget what happened after that.
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I likepeople to do what Isay.
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, andthey neverrealized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put meon this planet togather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization andthey make funof it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really ourcivilization, but a gag wehoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to seeour REALcivilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with animpressive newcivilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're wavinggood-bye.
The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I betyou can reallysee it in those genitals.
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier inthe day, up ondeck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave early.
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of theEmpire StateBuilding, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably breakdown into theirvarious gases before they even hit.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,because I bet that'swhat REALLY throws you into a panic.
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it hasthat earmonster and that big-dress monster.
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throwback my headand gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because Iam beautiful.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a goodcostume wouldbe to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull andcrossbones on it, becausethere might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on andreally scare you.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with awooden stake.
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, andhow the childrenwould laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would getrevenge.
If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup ofpudding, you probablyhave no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength ofthat puddingskin.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because,man, they'regone.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says somethinglike"Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Doyou havethat fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town,we could alltake a shot at him and not feel too bad.
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, justslow down, take adeep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his headout when you'recoming home, his face might burn up.
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold ayard saleof murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap icepick.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throwone of thoselittle baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy waris, and whilethey're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
A quiz: If I am my brother's keeper, who am I? (Answer: me.)
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon wasfree. To makesomeone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending that he's throwingup, is not whatI call hospitality.
I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making themovie, thenstick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and runningaround. Everyonewould think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's puthim in themovie."
If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back.That way, ifsomebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side andpretend I waswindow-shopping or something.
I bet what happend was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on thesame day.Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal.First of all, if you're aswan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks that much betterthan the oneyou've got, so why not mate fo life?
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created orevolve: somethingthat stings you, then laughs at you.
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but hegets hit on thehead and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study thebrain.
If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always bitingyou on theankles, still that's pretty good isn't it? I'm going to go ahead and keepyou in the "happy"category.
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the sutffing or thecranberry sauce oranything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it allin your lap and form itinto a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars withthe boys, let outa big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these aregood cigars!"
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice atall, but toprotect little cheese "gems" from burglars.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very largeblob ofpotatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asksme why I didn'tget more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big pieceof meat frominside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from abig rockhalf-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rockout of theground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and goskidding down the hilltoward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wifebeside thepool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out ofthere, but you startfaking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chasesyou...
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, withno other carsaround, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? Nocities, nofactories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then whomade this car?And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out thewindow into thedriving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on thehead by a bolt.
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hardand savedhis money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he feltit was betterthan what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect thegold nuggetsit shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, thevolcano petered out.Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decidedto collect goldnuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg andthe doctor'sbills were real high.
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybodycalled the"Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and telleverybody, "Youcan make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just likeeverybody else."Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over tospend thenight at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'dhave to kick himout. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family runout of town. Bye,Cricket Boy.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck,which you strapon top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommyduck andher babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out ofthe water and roarlike Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is goodfor parties.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money forabout twentyyears so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and startdigging for gold.When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold,ya durnfool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy."Good joke, huh.
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten bya poisonous snake,tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretendthat *you* got bit bya snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. Alot of guyswill start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them itwas just a joke.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up andlit the evilpuppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to helpillustrate one of thehuman emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when youkillsomeone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, aswhen youpay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" thatJesse James oncegot bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem likeanything, but then thebite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretarytold him to wait,so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and thenfinally he got tosee the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had anytoys. But this onelittle boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and hewould go around andwhap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heartalmost broke. Laterthe boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reachedout my hand,but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried alittle, butthat's the way of these people.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be"Clark Kent,Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought,if a patientsaid, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-rayvision and said,"Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going totake an X-ray,stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn'teven pay hisbill.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or thecranberry sauce oranything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it allin your lap and form itinto a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars withthe boys, let outa big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these aregood cigars!"
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what wascoming. "Youdon't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," saidCoach, "you neverwere really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of ragsand towels,and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and theneither steal theball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people atinappropriatetimes." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something isbrewing insidethe head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talentthat he can mold.But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious oldstranger. Hesaid he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. Isaid, "Okay, aslong as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know."He stared tellinghes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "Thisstory isn't too long."But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story isgetting long." Butthen the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn'ttoo long afterall." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on theplane. It was alittle long, though.
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas andcatching somerays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's mypoint.
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probablyjust a bunch ofrolled-up tobacco leaves.
If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how tospeak thenatives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was inHolland onvacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she coulddo it.
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever theprofessor pauses inhis lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" realloud. Then leanback and sort of smirk.
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walkaround being realhappy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on wallsand bushes,because then when students from another college come sniffing around,they'll know this issomeone else's territory.
He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that'swhat I hatedabout him.
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I thinkyou should haveto assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.
Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch achirping trout,or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm goinginsane again.
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world wecan't even see. I'mspeaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.
The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned againsthim and calledhim a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've neverknown before.But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait.It's not love I'mdescribing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see thatI forgot toput on my pants.
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can'thypnotize you.
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be afireman, but aman wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than anyother. I myselfhave been guilty of this. When I was a teen-ager, I stole a car and drove itout into thedesert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged andsaid, "Hey,progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would becarried by one ofthe world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, Igot up frommy chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no onelaughed, I wasreal embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.
Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, mostof thesesports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory frominvasion by anothergroup." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guysets a worldrecord, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready tostart now?"
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, dothis: Wait until noone is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto thecarpet. Then jump ontop of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've neverdone this, but I thinkit'd work.
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man iscapable of being agood camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up likeBozo.
In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in stillothers, the Idiot'sMerry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.
Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt roadin hispickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped,and the shocksbroke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over themoon, butwhoever says that is a goddamn liar.
Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that reallyknocked me for aloop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth realhard. "Thenmaybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" Theydidn't, butmaybe they will sometime, and I can watch.
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if hedoes, becauseit could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement",and I go up to theguy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makeshim feelbetter.
Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with theprogram!
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." Idon't knowwhat it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen,what we havehere is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got tobe a better way.
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived throughthe storm, and heshowed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good namefor him wouldbe Carl.
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney andtheinterchangeable parts.
If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist.When theystarted drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. ThatAlien!
I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado gotOld Yeller, stayin the cellar."
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planetsfall under theruthless domination of our solar system.
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would alwaysend upsaying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all getembarrassedbecause they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get madand eatthe snowman.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,above the ground.That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd askfor a pinballmachine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be ableto get a lot offree games.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then youcall the guy andhold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That'sdynamite, baby."
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stickyour elbow out thewindow, or it'll turn into a fossil.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the coursesshould beLaughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, Ithought, we humans arekind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after manyyears we are thickand unwieldy from all our skin layers.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sortof like dogs.Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,and we all got acomplimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,screaming and trippingand begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
Blow ye winds / Like the trumpet blows; / But without that noise.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have beenpainted brown andattached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like adeer.
I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with anarrow, and shefires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thingyou can do.
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can'tthink of a singleone, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw,who cares?"And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don'tjust go by size,because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them"impressions," andif you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will somedaybe noticed, andmaybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works ofgenius evercreated by Man.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten bya
poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about tenfeet
and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him
about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That'swhy
it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then youcall
the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
"That's dynamite, baby."

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirtand
beg for it.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plantteeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is
capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as
you might think.

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the
program!

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because whatis
that thing?

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMANHEAD!

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, Ithought
back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how Inamed
him Flint.

As the sleek new sports car wound its way up the tortuous road, Henrithought
back to the torture he had received ten minutes ago. "Ah, air conditioning",he
thought as he aimed the vents toward the numerous whip marks on his legs,
chest, and groin area.

As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too
tight, as it turned out. "This is the fourth coat crushing this year", saidthe
sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Marta saidit
should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -
just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his headout
when you're coming home, his face might burn up.

Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is whyseveral
of us died of tuberculosis.

Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had
accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, thenhe
kicked me, then he punched me again.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
"Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. Butthen I
thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it
with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would
probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say,"Aw
fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world isnot
the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an
astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into
Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam
the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and sayhe's
not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt roadin
his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tirespopped,
and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bouncedclean
over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he madea
woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, shedisintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people
laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'llbe
waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room andpeople
would go, "Who the fuck is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself, maybepull
out his gun and show it to the person, to kind of impress him (but not toshow
off). Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes he'd kill a guy, then painta
clown face on his face. Nobody said he had to do that, but he did it anyway.
So, dirty work.

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's
what I hated about him.

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the
ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around,
like you're going to fall in.

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy
sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, iseverybody
ready to start now?"

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,above
the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes,I
bet you can really see it in those genitals.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado gotOld
Yeller, stay in the cellar."

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. Ibelieve
in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of
shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He's aboutfive
hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like "I...AM...GOD!" He can
blow up stuff just by looking at it. This is my own, personal idea of God.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was goingto
be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the
sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, andthey'd
probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the
rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with an
arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is likethe
top thing you can do.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in everyculture,
is the story of Popeye.

I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would alwaysend
up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the
Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They
probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailinga
fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and
round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yellout,
"Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then wehad
some growing up to do.

I don't guess I've ever been as scared as when I was waiting in theprincipal's
office. Finally he came in and sat down. He didn't say anything, he justlooked
at me. Then he pulled a copy of Playboy out. "Is this yours?" he said. "No,"I
said, "is this yours?" And I pulled out my penis. I guess I wasn't as scaredas
I thought.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planetsfall
under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they
want to know?

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and
lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said
that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out.
Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or somethinglike
that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he
paid for his stupid puppet.

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than anyother.
I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and
drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up,I
just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,and
we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if hedoes,
because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech
improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech
improvement." I think this makes him feel better.

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probablyjust a
bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some goodideas.

I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people,
because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as their mascot.

I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetery, they
found fragments of *human bones*! What kind of barbarians were these people,
anyway?

I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was
coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?"
"Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made thatuniform
you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy spacehelmet.
You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase youto
get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all
true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the
head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he
can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine tosmell
sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That wasfun,"
I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I
think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I saidwe
didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about20
minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was aninteresting
story.

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. Andsince
he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but hegets
hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to
study the brain.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck,which
you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until youfind a
mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, youstand
up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really takeoff!
Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're makingthe
movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and start yowling and
running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guywould
say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls
and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing
around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I likepeople
to do what I say.

I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Gruntbig
for Daddy."

I think man invented the car by instinct.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk
around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spendthe
time required to really fix up my "pad".

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sortof
like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp.That
way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him.How
about it, science?

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon wasfree.
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he'sthrowing
up, is not what I call hospitality.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't
hypnotize you.

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I
don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say,
"Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeereffect."

I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
paneling.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,we
could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both DraculaAND
Superman away.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for
about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out Westand
start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd
say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," andI'd
say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, butwith
a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but theywouldn't
eat as much.

I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round,
because then when you were eating it, it'd be fun to make chew marks in the
shape of continents.

I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.

I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cutit
open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open,and
in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person,
because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, likea
Johnny Combat little toy guy-- something like that.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is"God
is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell himis
"probably because of something you did."

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist.
When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eatingeverybody.
That Alien!

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likeenchiladas,
because that's what He's getting!

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain
lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are goingto
have fun with this thing.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,
because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not theimpression
we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not
prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's
gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got tobe
a better way.

If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels",because
then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, "What
the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the Princeof
Weasels."

If I lived in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in myholster,
I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy saidsomething
like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and
everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a
soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everyone would get real
quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice,and
I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much
glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived throughthe
storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, Ithink a
good name for him would be Carl.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses
should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I thinkyou
should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten thedogs.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, Idon't
think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people
see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then getsright
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how tospeak
the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don'tstop
and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probablythe
first sign of jungle madness.

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the
cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but
instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then,later,
when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake coughand
throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a
coward.

If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're
gone.

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, justslow
down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybeyou'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy.

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot ofpeople
do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really besurprised.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keepthe
students from trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, dothis:
Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplaceonto
the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire!Log
o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think youcould
cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you thinkliked
dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though.It's
Hambone.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever theprofessor
pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger
that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors cameup
to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good ideato
say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching themis
probably a joke that gets old real fast.

In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still
others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be knownas
screw-boys.

In weight lifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you.

Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them
'impressions' and it you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we allbe
brothers?

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and
catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway;
that's my point.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,flying
across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very beautifulrose
in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.
And also, you're drunk.

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be
carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we
can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary
Skeletons.

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull andcrossbones
on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid couldput
it on and really scare you.

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of
wild dogs.

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a
hundred drumsticks, the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chickento
the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you givethem.
Man, wise up.

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybeit
was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away
from the first fight.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that
man.

Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soupof
cannibals.

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up likeBozo.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never
known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and
bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know
sensuality if it bit her on the ass.

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, mostof
these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territoryfrom
invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are
funny.

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a
big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get
the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your
balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big
Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thoughtit
was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it,
like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have beenpainted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
like a deer.

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney andthe
interchangeable parts.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old
stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the
treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a
plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasureand
his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, hekept
going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then
the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't toolong
after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on
the plane. It was a little long, though.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" thatJesse
James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem
like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctorin
town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and
waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor,and
the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy
Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?"

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried,but
I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to driveover
to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they
forget the negative side, which is the preening.

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will somedaybe
noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the
greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort ofstriking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal,trying
to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knockedthe
next pitch clean over the fence. Other folks say it was just a lucky swing.

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, withno
other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out
there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or
factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I
have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's
lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw,who
cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car
parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so I wrote THIS CAR LOOKSLIKE
A FART in the dirt. Later I asked Marta if she thought it was a childishthing
to do. She said, "Well, maybe," Man, whose side is she on, anyway?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar withmy
"fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a big new rubber manta-ray
helmet, I can't help wondering: Do women want to talk to me for myself, ordo
they just want to get a feel of that nice rubber manta skin?

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see thatI
forgot to put on my pants.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throwback
my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me,
because I am beautiful.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calmmyself
down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When theperson
comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note thatsays
"You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a
fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned againsthim
and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and driveand
drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there.The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport weplayed.
I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not,
and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large
blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And ifsomeone
asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and
pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've
hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to
hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the floor.
"Sorry," he said with a smile.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had anytoys.
But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it withrocks,
and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it.
Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered togive
me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away.I
chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's theway
of these people.

The prince decided he would learn anger. So he gathered his subjectstogether
outside his balcony. "Who would teach me anger?" he said. "Fuck you!"somebody
yelled. "Okay, how about algebra?" said the prince.

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the
sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hardand
saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he
felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to thevolcano
and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he wasright.
After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the
hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too,but
there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor'sbills
were real high.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,and
the dancers hit each other.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wonderedwhere
this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, anda
clown killed my dad.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something whenyou
walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," youcan
say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at thesame
time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I
can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me.

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of ourhouse.
And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around
myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hardprotective
substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that reallyknocked
me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted myteeth
real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and
have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was inHolland
on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," shecould.

Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probablybe
proud to be sprayed by one.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybodycalled
the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell
everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to mehe's
just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone,
and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five
minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could
get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, CricketBoy.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spinreal
fast and freak everybody out.

Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over
the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all thestuff
that comes flying out.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But wewouldn't
be laughing that evening when he'd come back with a whore he picked up intown.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, Ithought,
we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and
after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't

think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all
those wishes.

When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'dall
go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat one of us. Itwasn't
until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.
Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the backand
said, "Hey, good job."

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, Igot
up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When noone
laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feelthat
way.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet orManet,
I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again,louder.
Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg uphigh
behind you to keep people from following too close.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stickyour
elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if theyever
press charges.

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a
chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy!
I'm going insane again.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my firstinstinct
is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.Then
it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should beconsidered
an enemy planet.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd askfor a
pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probablybe
able to get a lot of free games.

Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that
rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In fact, it might besaid
that rules have become the foot-long sticks of mankind.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makespeople
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.